Hillary's Suicide Sauce
50 or more victimized suicide sauces coming soon...
First Sauce: Ma'Honey — Coming Soon
This isn't the "haha grandpa cried" bottle your uncle gets for Christmas and never opens. This is the bottle that ends group chats.
⚠ NOT-A-REAL SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: consumption of this product may cause sweating, crying, texting people you shouldn't, or briefly believing you can fix your marriage. Discontinue use if symptoms include enjoying it. This warning is a joke. The heat is not.
*Every word below is 100% made up. Nobody quoted here exists. Every single one of them got suicided — that's the joke, that's the brand, nobody actually died, our lawyer made us say that part twice.
— "Gerald T.", fabricated, Ohio (Ohio is also fabricated)
— "Brenda K.", invented for marketing purposes, does not exist
— "Todd from the group chat", a person who has never lived
[If you want, replace these with real customer quotes once you have any — until then these are shameless fiction, clearly labeled, and that's the bit.]
Act One: you're fine. Act Two: you're not. Act Three: you're texting your ex for no reason.
[PLACEHOLDER — real pepper blend + first-taste notes go here. Whatever it is, the joke is that it lies to you for the first three seconds.]
[PLACEHOLDER — what actually develops after the first few seconds: sweetness, char, garlic, whatever the real recipe does — right before it stops being funny.]
[PLACEHOLDER — how long it lingers, and the honest, unhinged way to describe the finish. This is the one people quote in reviews.]
Made in small, deeply questionable batches by people who have been asked, sincerely, "are you okay?" more than once during production. The answer, both times, was no.
We're heading to crowdfunding soon. Drop your email and you'll find out before the group chat does — for once in your life, be early to something.
One email when we launch. We're not going to email you about our "journey." Nobody wants that.